Welp...herpes.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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