I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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