Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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