??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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