Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
