I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
