John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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