Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
