Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
