I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
