Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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