She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
