I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
ugly people sure do ruin things
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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