i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
