mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she told me i tasted like america
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When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
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After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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