"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
