oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
