I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
