I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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