i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
