My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
