C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
