Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
