She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
