the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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