I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
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He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
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You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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