how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
This is my life. Enjoy the view
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
