batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
