If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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