I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
