I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
