why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
