Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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