1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
