He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
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Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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