I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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