i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
