Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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