i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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