my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
