Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
