You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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