so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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