i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
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you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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