If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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