kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
