She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
