watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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