i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
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We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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