Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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