have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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