Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
