You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just gift wrapped bread.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
