dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
